I was just reading John 9 and at the beginning it talks about a blind man who was healed by Jesus. The others asked, "Why is he blind? Did his parents do something?" And Jesus answered that "this happened so that the works of God may be displayed in him."
There have been days where I've asked the famous question "Why?" Why does Grace have to go through this? Why do we have to go through this? Why does anyone have to go through this? Why is there sickness and hurt in this world? We've believed from the beginning that there is a purpose in all of this and God is going to use it, and I believe He already has, for His good. Even though there have been some hard days/weeks, He has been with us the whole time, holding our hands, comforting us and giving us strength.
My dad has struggled with Multiple Sclerosis for almost 20 years. He has been a great example to me throughout this. I rarely hear my dad complain about his disease. He knows that this is what God has for him and even though he has really hard days, he is constantly leaning on God as his ultimate strength and comfort. We had a great talk when I was home last about this topic. "Blessings" by Laura Story has been a great reminder for us both. Maybe these awful illnesses are our blessings in disguise. God only longs to bless us, not harm us.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Reflection
Sunday will mark 4 months since we embarked on this journey. I can't believe it's only been 4 months, it feels like it was a year ago. It's hard for me to remember what our lives were like before this diagnosis. I remember many details about the day of diagnosis, many that I will never forget. I don't think about that day too much, because if I do, I could make myself cry. It's amazing how in one moment, you're life can literally change forever. It was such a scary day too because we didn't know what was ahead. Leukemia sounds so scary and we didn't know anything about treatment or the prognosis. Throughout the whole process, they've only given us treatment information about the current phase and not too much about what's ahead. It's probably a good thing, because we would have been very overwhelmed at first. Now, we look at each phase as a checklist that needs to be completed to get us back to a sense of normalcy.
This journey has had so many ups and downs. It's crazy how one week I can feel so sorry for myself and our family and the next I am completely fine. It's completely affected by how Grace's numbers are and how she is feeling. Last month, there were a few days that I was really struggling, asking myself "why me?" I was particularly anxious those few days because Grace's numbers were at an all time low and I could tell she wasn't feeling the best. I actually felt much better when she spiked a temp that night to 102 and we were admitted to the hospital. I probably felt better because I knew she was in the right place and I didn't have to worry about her all night.
I have a hard time sometimes finding the balance between worrying and trusting God completely. I recently heard a phrase "the areas you have the most fear are the areas you trust God the least." I have to continually remind myself of this. How can I not trust God with my girls? He is the one who created them and He is the one who knows what everyday of their lives will hold. As much as I want to control the area of their health and well-being, I simply can't. So I have to trust that God will heal Grace completely and keep Anna free from any sickness. And if we are faced with something in the future, I know that God will bring us through it. If God brings us to it, He will bring us through it. He will never give us more than we can handle.
This journey has had so many ups and downs. It's crazy how one week I can feel so sorry for myself and our family and the next I am completely fine. It's completely affected by how Grace's numbers are and how she is feeling. Last month, there were a few days that I was really struggling, asking myself "why me?" I was particularly anxious those few days because Grace's numbers were at an all time low and I could tell she wasn't feeling the best. I actually felt much better when she spiked a temp that night to 102 and we were admitted to the hospital. I probably felt better because I knew she was in the right place and I didn't have to worry about her all night.
I have a hard time sometimes finding the balance between worrying and trusting God completely. I recently heard a phrase "the areas you have the most fear are the areas you trust God the least." I have to continually remind myself of this. How can I not trust God with my girls? He is the one who created them and He is the one who knows what everyday of their lives will hold. As much as I want to control the area of their health and well-being, I simply can't. So I have to trust that God will heal Grace completely and keep Anna free from any sickness. And if we are faced with something in the future, I know that God will bring us through it. If God brings us to it, He will bring us through it. He will never give us more than we can handle.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Faith
I have been a Christian pretty much all of my life, so at times it becomes too comfortable. There's been many times in my life where I haven't actively sought God and took advantage of the fact that He would always be there when I decided to go back to Him. Unfortunately, there have also been times in my life where I have been too scared or shy to share my faith or bring up spiritual things.
Grace has been a great example to me recently. She just turned 3 and tells others freely about God. On Friday we were at the doctor and he was listening to her heart and she said "God lives in my heart." He took his stethoscope out to make sure he heard her properly. He thought that was very profound for a 3 year old. There are other times she has told people that she is better because "God healed me!" She is teaching me things and she is only 3. She truly has a child-like faith and it is beautiful. I pray that she never loses that excitement about sharing who God is and what He has done in her life.
Grace has been a great example to me recently. She just turned 3 and tells others freely about God. On Friday we were at the doctor and he was listening to her heart and she said "God lives in my heart." He took his stethoscope out to make sure he heard her properly. He thought that was very profound for a 3 year old. There are other times she has told people that she is better because "God healed me!" She is teaching me things and she is only 3. She truly has a child-like faith and it is beautiful. I pray that she never loses that excitement about sharing who God is and what He has done in her life.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Glimpse into my heart
I've recently realized that there is a major event going on in my life, one that I hope to never face again, and I want to better document what is going on during this time. So much has happened since Grace was diagnosed with leukemia at the end of November. We welcomed a new baby girl into the world and have been enjoying watching her grow. We have adjusted to Grace's diagnosis and all that goes with it; the weekly appointments, the nausea, the weak ankles, all of these things that we knew nothing about before November.
God has used this time to draw me closer to Him. It's unfortunate that it takes my daughter being diagnosed with cancer to do it, but it's all God's plan. I needed some shaking up in my spiritual life. I've been a Christian since I was a child and many times I get too comfortable in my spiritual life. It's amazing when something like this happens, you realize how much you need God and how He is right there waiting for you. After something like this happens in your life, every scripture, every worship song, has so much more meaning. I'll never forget what it felt like to go to church for the first time after Grace was diagnosed. It was a month after she was diagnosed, and it was Christmas Eve service. I could have sat and cried through the whole service. It was the first time in a long time that I felt so close to God. The Spirit was so strong that night and so sweet. I looked at my girls with me and felt so incredibly blessed that God had healed Grace and that we had a new beautiful addition to our family.
That service was also at the end of the hardest week since Grace was diagnosed. I'm sure the post-natal hormones had something to do with it, but I was very emotional that week. Grace being on steroids was so sad. She was not our little girl for a few weeks. Not only did she look physically different, she gained 10 pounds in a matter of a few weeks, but her personality was completely different. Days would go by without her smiling. We would do almost anything those weeks to make her happy. During that week, I couldn't even look at pictures of her without crying. I missed her so much. I can't imagine what she felt like. She was having a hard time walking because of the weight gain and I'm sure on the inside she felt crazy as well. It's nothing that a 2 year old should ever have to go through.
God has used this time to draw me closer to Him. It's unfortunate that it takes my daughter being diagnosed with cancer to do it, but it's all God's plan. I needed some shaking up in my spiritual life. I've been a Christian since I was a child and many times I get too comfortable in my spiritual life. It's amazing when something like this happens, you realize how much you need God and how He is right there waiting for you. After something like this happens in your life, every scripture, every worship song, has so much more meaning. I'll never forget what it felt like to go to church for the first time after Grace was diagnosed. It was a month after she was diagnosed, and it was Christmas Eve service. I could have sat and cried through the whole service. It was the first time in a long time that I felt so close to God. The Spirit was so strong that night and so sweet. I looked at my girls with me and felt so incredibly blessed that God had healed Grace and that we had a new beautiful addition to our family.
That service was also at the end of the hardest week since Grace was diagnosed. I'm sure the post-natal hormones had something to do with it, but I was very emotional that week. Grace being on steroids was so sad. She was not our little girl for a few weeks. Not only did she look physically different, she gained 10 pounds in a matter of a few weeks, but her personality was completely different. Days would go by without her smiling. We would do almost anything those weeks to make her happy. During that week, I couldn't even look at pictures of her without crying. I missed her so much. I can't imagine what she felt like. She was having a hard time walking because of the weight gain and I'm sure on the inside she felt crazy as well. It's nothing that a 2 year old should ever have to go through.
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