Reflection

Sunday will mark 4 months since we embarked on this journey. I can't believe it's only been 4 months, it feels like it was a year ago. It's hard for me to remember what our lives were like before this diagnosis. I remember many details about the day of diagnosis, many that I will never forget. I don't think about that day too much, because if I do, I could make myself cry. It's amazing how in one moment, you're life can literally change forever. It was such a scary day too because we didn't know what was ahead. Leukemia sounds so scary and we didn't know anything about treatment or the prognosis. Throughout the whole process, they've only given us treatment information about the current phase and not too much about what's ahead. It's probably a good thing, because we would have been very overwhelmed at first. Now, we look at each phase as a checklist that needs to be completed to get us back to a sense of normalcy.
This journey has had so many ups and downs. It's crazy how one week I can feel so sorry for myself and our family and the next I am completely fine. It's completely affected by how Grace's numbers are and how she is feeling. Last month, there were a few days that I was really struggling, asking myself "why me?" I was particularly anxious those few days because Grace's numbers were at an all time low and I could tell she wasn't feeling the best. I actually felt much better when she spiked a temp that night to 102 and we were admitted to the hospital. I probably felt better because I knew she was in the right place and I didn't have to worry about her all night.
I have a hard time sometimes finding the balance between worrying and trusting God completely. I recently heard a phrase "the areas you have the most fear are the areas you trust God the least." I have to continually remind myself of this. How can I not trust God with my girls? He is the one who created them and He is the one who knows what everyday of their lives will hold. As much as I want to control the area of their health and well-being, I simply can't. So I have to trust that God will heal Grace completely and keep Anna free from any sickness. And if we are faced with something in the future, I know that God will bring us through it. If God brings us to it, He will bring us through it. He will never give us more than we can handle.