Glimpse into my heart

I've recently realized that there is a major event going on in my life, one that I hope to never face again, and I want to better document what is going on during this time. So much has happened since Grace was diagnosed with leukemia at the end of November. We welcomed a new baby girl into the world and have been enjoying watching her grow. We have adjusted to Grace's diagnosis and all that goes with it; the weekly appointments, the nausea, the weak ankles, all of these things that we knew nothing about before November.

God has used this time to draw me closer to Him. It's unfortunate that it takes my daughter being diagnosed with cancer to do it, but it's all God's plan. I needed some shaking up in my spiritual life. I've been a Christian since I was a child and many times I get too comfortable in my spiritual life. It's amazing when something like this happens, you realize how much you need God and how He is right there waiting for you. After something like this happens in your life, every scripture, every worship song, has so much more meaning. I'll never forget what it felt like to go to church for the first time after Grace was diagnosed. It was a month after she was diagnosed, and it was Christmas Eve service. I could have sat and cried through the whole service. It was the first time in a long time that I felt so close to God. The Spirit was so strong that night and so sweet. I looked at my girls with me and felt so incredibly blessed that God had healed Grace and that we had a new beautiful addition to our family.

That service was also at the end of the hardest week since Grace was diagnosed. I'm sure the post-natal hormones had something to do with it, but I was very emotional that week. Grace being on steroids was so sad. She was not our little girl for a few weeks. Not only did she look physically different, she gained 10 pounds in a matter of a few weeks, but her personality was completely different. Days would go by without her smiling. We would do almost anything those weeks to make her happy. During that week, I couldn't even look at pictures of her without crying. I missed her so much. I can't imagine what she felt like. She was having a hard time walking because of the weight gain and I'm sure on the inside she felt crazy as well. It's nothing that a 2 year old should ever have to go through.