It has been three years since my last post. Crazy! Time flies when you're doing life! Three years ago, Grace was still in treatment, Leukemia was still an everyday reality in our home. She was on daily chemotherapy at home and we were still going to the doctor once a month for check ups and IV chemo. We also had the intermittent trips to the ER and even hospital admissions for fevers.

I am so happy to say that today Leukemia is not something that we think about everyday. Her last day of chemo was March 9, 2014 and her port a cath came out shortly after. It was actually a hard adjustment. I remember the Nurse Practitioner saying that parents almost prefer being on chemo, because you know that there is something there keeping the cancer away. I was scared to see the chemo go, as silly as that sounds. The first appointment after we stopped chemo, I was so nervous and anxious and incredibly sick to my stomach. I remained anxious for our monthly appointments for awhile. I would have a pep talk with myself the whole way up to Green Bay, telling myself that I didn't need to be anxious and that God was in control, but every time I was waiting for those lab results, I prepared myself for the worst.

God is so good and she has never had any issues with her lab results! People that meet her now would have no idea of her history.

When you are going through something big in your life, it almost feels easy to lean into God. You cry out to Him when times are tough and you need help and need Him to calm your fears. I remember feeling so close to God when Grace was going through treatment and even the few months after. I was praying so much. Every worship song was speaking right to me and every Scripture was speaking right to me. You see Him more in the every day things when you are leaning into Him.

When things aren't so tough and life is good, unfortunately God gets put on the back burner. Grace's appointments got fewer and fewer and Leukemia wasn't on my mind. I let other things fill my time and my mind. When things are good, you feel like you've got it together and you don't need to cry out to God like you do in the middle of that storm. But, the truth is we do. We do need to cry out to Him every day. Even though my problems now aren't as serious as Childhood Cancer, I need Him the same now as I did back then. I need Him when I am losing my cool because my toddler won't stop screaming at me and my puppy won't stop eating everything in sight. I need Him when I am having a good day and feel so incredibly blessed with the life I lead. I need Him every day and I am so grateful that He has recently been reminding me of this.

My verse for this summer has been James 4:8 'Come near to God and He will come near to you.'  I have allowed myself to become too comfortable in my faith and put God on the back burner. Thank you God for this wonderful summer with you and this lesson you have taught me to continuously put you first when times are good and when times are bad. I have seen the beauty in the last few months of Him drawing near to me because I am drawing near to Him. I pray that you will make that your prayer today as well.

My Cup Runneth Over

Our church just recently finished a series on Psalm 23. It was a six week series and each week the pastor dove into a verse of Psalm 23. I thought the series was so good. You can always watch past sermons at rivervalleychurch.org or I like to download them on iTunes if I miss a week. This morning I listened to week 5 of the series because I had missed it.  After going through what we did with Grace, I know how quickly life can change and how scary it can be. Your perspective on life changes dramatically after something like that, so now that all is going well and everyone is healthy, we feel overly blessed. I feel "too blessed" if that's possible, it's as if I'm waiting for something else bad to happen. This morning I was convicted of having those thoughts after listening to the sermon. Pastor Rob was saying that God wants us to be blessed, he wants my cup to "runneth over".  I shouldn't be asking "When is the next tragedy going to happen?", but instead, I should be asking God to fill another cup of blessing for me and to keep the blessings coming!
Even if something else bad happens in our lives someday, it is such comfort knowing that it is all God's plan and I will seek God's will in all that I do.

4 Years

It has been 4 years since my sweet Grace was born. It's crazy how fast time goes! I decided to conduct an interview with Grace. It is my goal to do this every year so we can compare answers from year to year and I thought it would be fun for her to look back on when she is older.

What do you want to be when you grow up? A mommy and a doctor
Who is your best friend? Kate
What is your favorite thing to do? Play with Nana, Papa and Isaac
What is your favorite color? pink, purple, blue, yellow, white, green
What is your favorite Bible story? Humpty Dumpty
What is your favorite toy? My Barbie house, My Barbie horse, My Barbie carriage, My ironing board
What is your favorite animal? That's a hard one mom
What is your favorite food? O, I think you know...starts with an "M", Macaroni and Cheese!
What is your favorite movie? Rapunzel and The Muppets

You are becoming such a big girl! It's so fun to see your personality and character shape more and more every day. My prayer for you Grace is that you never forget how truly special and cherished you are. I pray that you always dream big and know that  your mommy and daddy are here to support you in every endeavor. I can't wait to see what your answers are in another 4 years!

A New Normal

I know it sounds cliche to say "I don't even remember what it was like before Grace was diagnosed," but it's such a true statement. Looking back, life must have been easy and carefree. Initially, life after Grace's diagnosis was so hard and I was so weary. By God's grace and strength, I was able to make it through to the other side. The life we lead now feels normal to me. When we were having to go to the clinic weekly and watch Grace's hair slowly fall out, I knew that wasn't normal and I longed so much for a normal life again. I finally feel like we've reached normal. It definitely isn't the same normal that we had before Grace's diagnosis, but it is a new normal that we feel blessed to have. Most days are like everyone else's days with the exception of a few meds we have to give Grace. Other days, we're reminded that we have a child in treatment for cancer and how much that stinks.
 Craig and I are leaving for Mexico this weekend. I am trying to prepare by getting a medicine chart ready for the grandparents and directions for calling the doctor if anything were to happen or if she was to spike a fever. All things that most parents don't have to worry about when they go on vacation.
I could sit and worry about next week and what would happen if she were to get sick and we'd be hundreds miles away, but a part of our new normal is completely trusting God. Of course, I trusted God before, but never like this. My new normal is growing deeper and deeper with God and thanking Him for the small and big blessings in our life. My new normal is knowing how quickly life can change and trying to remember to live in the moment. My new normal is hugging and kissing my kids and husband everyday and telling them that I love them. My new normal is the normal that God has chosen for me.

Time

Since Grace has been diagnosed, I have wanted time to go quickly. And luckily, it did go pretty quick. That was the one time in life that I was grateful time went quickly. But because time went so quickly, my little baby is now almost 8 months old. In a way, I feel like she was just born.
Babies change so much the first year. It's hard to believe 7 1/2 months ago, she couldn't even lift up her head, and now she is crawling everywhere and pulling herself up on furniture. The sad thing is that I can barely remember what she was like when she was so tiny. So, I definitely don't remember what Grace was like as a baby. I don't even remember what she was like a year ago.
I'm feeling the need to document many more moments in life, because I will not remember every detail. At the time, you swear you'll remember all of the special moments, but unfortunately, they are quickly forgotten.
With Anna, I've been doing a monthly journal in her baby book, so that helps to keep track of the new things she is doing. With Grace, I don't have anything like that. I know Grace no longer changes as frequently as a baby does, but she is changing so much, right before our eyes. If I look at pictures or videos from a year ago, she still looks like such a baby and sounds like a baby. At the time, I didn't think she sounded or looked like a baby. Will I look back at her during this time and think the same?
She has made us so proud in so many ways. During this difficult time in her life, she has begun her own special relationship with Christ. She is learning what it means to pray for others and for herself. She is also learning what it means to have a relationship with Him and how to memorize scripture.
We were especially proud of her after kid's church last week when she was able to tell us exactly what she learned including the key points of the story. She also remembered the Bible verse she was taught; "God is with you wherever you go." Such a simple verse, yet so powerful.
The Bible story she learned was about Baby Moses and how God kept him from crying and put him into the basket and the princess found him.
Now that we're in Maintenance, and our lives can return to somewhat normal, I am okay with time slowing down. I know these girls will be grown way too fast.

God is Good

Philippians 4:6
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

I'm not good at memorizing verses, but this is a verse I made a point to memorize this week. Philippians 4 was part of our church's daily reading this week and that book was meant for me this week. I have been worrying so much these last few weeks about Grace and the possibility of her getting a fever and being hospitalized. In my mind, I had planned on an admission and was just waiting for that fever. I didn't think we would be out of the weeds until mid-week next week.
This morning we had an appointment. I expected her White Blood Cells (WBCs) and ANC to be 0. I also assumed she would need a blood and platelet transfusion, because she's looking pretty pale and has lots of bruises on her body.
God far exceeded my expectations this morning. She did not need a transfusion of Red Blood Cells or Platelets and her ANC was 294! Not only was her ANC 294, she has a lot of baby WBCs that are going to keep making more, which will raise her ANC even more. The doctor and nurse said she's on her way back up! I was totally amazed. I told God what I needed and I will thank Him for all He has done. He is such a good God and has blessed us so much.
Looking back at the last 7 months, things have gone so much better than we could've hoped for. She is just 2 weeks away from Maintenance and has only been hospitalized once for a fever. She also has remained strong and has not needed braces on her legs. He has heard our constant prayer to protect her and keep her strong.
I'm feeling especially overjoyed with all of this news, because she may never drop her counts again, she may never need a transfusion again and her ankles are going to most likely get stronger and stronger! God has held us so close through all of us and has revealed Himself to us in new ways. I pray that He will show us how we can share Grace's story with others and encourage others going through similar circumstances.

My Sweet Girl

I am so grateful for my sweet little girl. I am so grateful that through the last 7 months, she has remained my sweet little girl. Of course, there have been times where she hasn't been quite as happy or feeling as well, but overall she has been as happy as ever. I think she is at a perfect age to go through this. She only sees life day by day. She has no worries of tomorrow or the future. If she's feeling nauseous or has a runny nose, she's sick that day, but every other day according to her, she's not sick. She knows that her blood is sick and that's why she has to go to the doctor every week and get lots of medicine. You can truly see God's "Grace" in her. She is not upset or sad about the things she has to do. She just does them, because we tell her she needs to.
Even with losing her hair, she has never complained. When she looks in the mirror, she doesn't see anything different. She knows that it will grow back someday soon. A few weeks ago, she took off her hat in front of someone she had just met and said "My hair's pretty short right now" , just very matter of fact.
She is full of joy and I pray that she never loses the joy she has. I pray that God will use her story to touch others and that she will have an incredible testimony to tell in her future!